As I lay motionlessly in my bed trying to rest my aching back, the only thing my mind is busy with is its futile persuit in tracting the rotation of pain at different points. Like I stated in my previous post, my resentful iterative schedule has made my life monotonous.Though I dont loathe it completely, I have a feeling some of the inevitable parts have been completely left over. Its not that I am not aware of the consequences. I dont seem to find a way to carry them out concurrently. 7 hour ( from 11am to 6pm ) and six days a week job is an inseparable daily event which flags me at the end of the day. Upto 8am occupies my irreplaciable activites ie morning walk and a paper. A few minutes revision and a breakeast leaves me with the scant amount of transit time hardly enough for listening to a song or two. The excitement during forging through the city traffic to reach home vanishes after I put down my dinner plate and coil inside the blanket. The enthusiasm to read begins to wane as I am engrossed into the heat. Though I always have some energy in reserved in case I want to be online in my cellphone or update my facebook status. I must not forget the electricity which I have not known, seen or used for two days. Its no suprise I have to manage everything in dark and believe me I dont feel it arduous at all that way. I have been doing this for quite a long time and I know I am good at changing my clothes, unlacing my shoes and removing my shocks all in dark. Not only that, I never misplace them. The only thing I couldn't put in place is my mind. Not that my goals in life are not lucid but tedious climax of each day steals of away from responsibilities. I must change it but I dont know seem to find a way and it starts to feel like I am on a journey to an inaccessible place.

Lying on my bed listening to the country music 'As she is walking away' by Zac Brown ft Alan Jackson, I discovered its the only thing I have been doing  for past few evenings. Wait a min mayb its all I have been doing for a month or even more. This realisation struck me when I ruminated about all those cliches inadvertently (as I dont know where these garbage got into my head) that are being remarked about life - like -every day of life should be spend as if its the last day or its a precious gift we get only once. These common remarks do no more than exacerbating complexities that we encounter on our daily basis. Working from eleven to six I spend sixty percent of my day at work,the thirty percent on sleeep and the remaining ten percent I waste contemplating what I would do;like the one I am doing right now- with Eminem rapping from my cellphone. I am proving every single day how ideal all those remarks are. The hindrances to their practicability are our daily affairs that we engage into for existence. The freedom(to think say and do) that our childhood abounds  drives us into a misconception about life. Not to forget the intervention to our every actions by the time we reach teen (by social, or psychological factors), we are constantly dragged into a line where we are reluctant to be in in every sequencial years to come. By the time we are starting our career, we are on a new road completely losing the path once we followed. Most of us would be doing the thing that we loathe, with a stupid assumption that its going to make our life better. Once obsessed with singing, dancing or other hobbies, we alientate us from self being completely busy. Some even term being busy as  synonymous of being happy and healthy. As for me, the way I utilize more of my time being involved into the development of national energy,the most unproductive I become when I have free time- this time Nikie Minaj hiphoping "Right thru me" from the playlist. As soon as I get back home, the only soothing thing I ever want to do after dinner is lie on my bed with my playlist on and letting my mind wonder. Of course I can't forget to blame the freezing temperature and daily blackout for acting as a catalyst for me to enervate. Getting inside the blanket and lying there even though I am not sleepy is the most incredible thing to do. All you have to is act you are sleeping when someone enters into the room without decency to knock before hopping in (chuckling). The facebook and chat rooms dont do much than making us loner. Then there comes the responsibility towards everyone that we are obliged to carry. You do stuff coz you dont have choice rather than you want it. And after we are inured to it who dont remember what we love anymore. Everything starts to centrifuge and things are messed up so much we can hardly differenciate between two. But hey finally I figured out what I wanted to do. I am sleepy and need to rest now. But let the playlist on...

My elder sister was listening to what the doctor has to say outside ICU. I couldn't;hence moved away to the glass panel gazing to the dark and scary night. Tears running down my eyes ;my reflection crying with me. In spite of the fact , I couldn't help searching for a ray of hope that could keep my mom breathing no matter how scant that might be. The way he was explaining, we (me and my sister ) both knew there was no other way than letting her (my mom) go. My sister was calm giving her ears to every minor details being passed from the other side. I wondered how could she maintained her sanity. Doesnt she realise the one, because of who we existed, has stopped living? May be she thought crying infront of me would augment our misery to an extent from where we cant get back. Also there is no one else to comfort us had we both mourn together to that level. My sister uttered every sensible words to ease my pain but nothing seemed to stop my tears.
Fifteen minutes ago, my sister was telling how she met the doctor on her way to bathroom who explained it was time to give up the hope. The sooner you confront to the reality the better it was. After that coversation being shared, it felt as if our speech has been robbed, our ground has been displaced where we have been sitting. 'What are we going to do?' was the only question that was being transferred through our vacant eyes. Those fifteen minutes were a complete torture when all you do is wait till someone declare the one who has given you birth has left you live on your own and the fact that you already know about it makes it even worse.
I dont know how I guided my crying sister, sobbing self, through a corridor into a hall where everybody was busy making their bed to spend the night. Offering my sister a seat outside the hall, I didnt try to appease her as I couldn't pacify myself yet. That's the point in my life when I really wished I had someone who would share not only my happiness but pain, who would teach not only to hold on myself but to convince my sister that in spite of everything, it will be OK eventually. Sitting next to each other, we cried on our own till we convinced ourselves it wasn't worthed. We never made an effort to console each other because we couldn't say the words which we didnt believe ourselves.      A year ago, the moment still vivid, was when we two (me and my sister) sharing our part of grief outside ICU on a chair with tears uninterruptedly flowing from our eyes leaving landmarks on our cheeks. That was the first time my mom was diagnosed with diabetics. She was struggling inside in her bed alone while we two outside leaning to each other hoping it will pass soon. We cried more than we talked. And we did console  as we both knew each others story. Everything was the same that time and now;the only difference was my mom couldn't pull it off this time. My sister made two calls to let my brother and other elder sister know that there is nomore though her cry says it all. After we were called in to check out with my mom's defunct body I could barely look at it.  Being dragged onto the lobby out of the emergency room, she was covered by white sheet from head to toe and I stole my eyes to look away coz its too heart breaking to see her being dragged that way.
Few months ago, i dont exactly remember when, I had to carry my mom to her room coz she was intoxicated. I will never forget that incident for the rest of my life. When I reached upstair(in our kitchen) for dinner, the very time when my mom stood up holding her plate in her hand towards the sink. Not only  she paced twice she hit the column and collapsed on the floor. Yeah she has been drinking. helping her to her room I cried till my my head spinned that day.
Two weeks ago I had a huge argument with my mom about her drinking habit after I found a bottle of Gin hidden  inside her clothes. I promised I would never talked to her and she did the same.We kept our words.We never shared a word for two weeks. It was that friday and as usual I was on my way to IELTS class. The cell phone had low battery from the last nights playing music. The charger wouldn't fit perfectly so I had to switch it off for the day. Unaware what the day has in stored for me I was at work after class. Around 3 I got a call immediately after switching it on. The voice on the other side was infused with tears- my mom has been taken to the hospital. I rushed hospital and the first time I looked at my sisters worried eyes outside hall they told me alot. The next as I entered to go to ICU met my other sister doorway who had been crying. I knew in a flip second its too late. I told her to hold on and entered ICU. There for the first time I saw my mom lying motionlessly on the bed breathing (I came to know it was artificial respiration later coz she has already stopped breathing). I would have been fooled hadn't my sister said all our hopes are gone. My mom kept her promise-she would never talk to me again.  
Even till now everything is just like a dream- a weird dream which never happened in real. My mom made out so easily from our lives we hardly believe she is gone and at times when the reality strikes the tears running down our eyes never stops.

Yeah it took really long time. I have been busy with my stuff -the job,preparation for GRE and all the personal problems which I hate to even think about. Man lots of things have been changed. How long has it been? 3 months? 4? Or half a year? When i look back i wonder what held me back for all these times from writing. May be the feelings dont come to me anymore. Mayb they over flowed and i dont seem to find a way to collect them and spill it here. Whatever be it, I surely didnt have enough time to ruminate and scribble whats in my mind. But how could I give up what i love most. At the end of everything this is what is left for myself. I have found somethig after loosing a lot of things (a exorbitant price paid) now i will be talking about all of it in days to come.

……….. I told you folks I’d be back again coz I’m not done with it yet. Took some time myself but can’t take this GRE-the way it bludgeoned me last night when I woke up at around 2. At a time, I thought I was dreaming – a part of my subconscious mind creating the words itself and the other searching for its meaning. The next- I wondered if it was my playlist in my cell phone running the word master-with words, their spellings, meanings, and their usage sequentially along with the background music which is definitely not dulcet. ‘ figment- F-I-G-M-E-N-T- invention of the mind, something imagined…. Damn what was its third meaning? Oh god! I forgot it.’ Shall I listen to the chapters from the inception to the end?? Think, muse, ponder, ruminate whatever it’s called but try to get the meaning of the word figment. I don’t recall if I was murmuring or it was going just inside my head but I’m sure sleep didn’t come to me till I get the exact remaining synonyms. My mind was half sleeping and half awake as if somnoloquent so I had a scant chance of remembering the remaining synonym. Discord between my mind and body makes me feel I’m getting anxiety attacks, wanting me to kick out the bed sheets and blanket like a stubborn child; I guess I did. I couldn’t take the altercation ( in a sense my mind and body are two separate beings and not working in harmony), I scanned ( I’m wondering how I did that with my eyes closed- of course it wouldn’t have mattered had they been open coz my lights were out) for my cell phone. Yeah-under my sweet pillow which is on my left ( if you are wondering I have three pillow though I sleep alone hehe); exactly where I placed it before sleep. I’m bewildered- Unlike everyday how come it didn’t fall off my bed today? But what is this- no matter whatever button I press the screen doesn’t glow. Here goes my Chinese cell phone with a battery of spasmodic life cheating me. Now I have to switch on to charge the battery for which I have to get out of my bed, out of the net gingerly or get my blood sucked by hungry mosquitoes for my unscrupulous action. Oh God! Now I realized why the white faced gray haired every smiling English Instructor always tells that preparing for GRE is a grueling process. Shall I give up?? I don’t know who was uttering “Don’t give up! Don’t give up!” with the capital Ds like an incantation, sounds that echoed from far but reverberating my room or it’s just my mind or ears. Well I didn’t and that’s why I stick my right hand out of the net-Yes gingerly, my left hand holding the cell phone, to the switch beside my bed at the alcove. After connecting it to my cell phone, I took time to appreciate myself for keeping my room arranged everything in its own place; though I bungle something sometimes. LOL. Tell you what, I did everything without even opening my eyes- hope you believe I’m not a bungler now. hehe. Along with my hand I let a troop of mosquitoes which are now taking a marshal approach -buzzing- may be discussing who starts sucking my blood from where. While my left hand was busy switching on cell phone and searching for the meanings of the word into the word master my legs located the blanket and pulled it till my right hand reached for it to back me up from the mosquitoes. Yes I found the word and all three synonyms. Figment- F-I-G-M-E-N-T - invention of the mind; something imagined; myth.

When I woke up in the morning, I was content for my accomplishment the night before. Something’s itchy over my forehead and as I look at the mirror-three red boils- I’m not surprised because the way the mosquito troop projectile towards my head when I covered it with the blanket, one surely make it through.

First day of the class and I'm bewildered by the number of heads struggling to enter the GRE class through the sliding door; struggling as if being first makes them first to get the states VISA. As I entered made a glance which is both furtive to avoid others eye contact and askance to the only seat left that’s too close to the white board I can hardly look at. As I watched the room getting saturated, a part of me wanted to quit right after I started whereas the other wanting to try it once. The reverberating noise makes me feel the class is alive; my silence tells me I'm stuck up on something of which I don’t want to be a part of. My motive of getting into GRE; only to enrich my word power, might astonish many and it’s not that someone didn’t remark it as weird but I guess I love doing the stuffs without a purpose. As I wait, diving into the pool of memory of college life which was skittish and boisterous and reckless, when I never missed to make a witty remark for every statement anyone makes, for the teacher who might be soporific, I realize how different I have built myself into. I had enough time to observe the class clearly; to smile at the cute girls with chewing gums, chuckle at the guys with a Bekham hairstyle and raising my bros to those familiar faces I knew or may be just thought I know.

The man, white face gray hair (it definitely isn’t natural), entered the room with an elegant smile in his face (I'm bewildered by the way he never misses to maintain the same smile every time he enters the room); fits appropriately to be a foreign language instructor. He, after a brief glance to the class, slides the hot seat arranged for him to the side and started the anatomy of GRE, explaining how the course is premeditated for us. It’s a miracle the way everyone maintained a complete silence, curious eyes glued to the white board; after all it did worth five thousand. The teacher began pouring us with words; lengthy, short, awry (in the way it is pronounced) and weird (I don’t know why I think that way); his mind is definitely a cornucopia of words- ours an empty pot............(to be continued)(coz Im nt finished yet) hehehe

Sitting outside the ICU next to each other with tears in our eyes trying to talk but our voice choked, me and my sister shared our part of grief, when my mom was helplessly lying in bed inside, feeding under saline. Gone were those days when sorrow befell on us like a monsoon rain time and again that’s when we learnt how nicely we have worked together to come out of that pitfall. Both of my sisters and I worked together as one and that’s when I know how we are connected. The bond between us has been strengthened and now we realise how much we love. I usually ask my mom or Vauju if sisters have visited home or why dont I see then often. If i didnot see, I dont know I started missing them. When they are ere I’d be listening them talk to mom or vauju or me is the best thing I would love to do. Resting my head on my elder sis’s lap as she makes fun or tease everybody would make my day and we would laugh and laugh so much till our cheek hurts!!

The merry we made during this brother’s day was unforgatable. I gifted them sari, the one they have been trying to buy; so thoughtful of me hehe as they say . Everything they would love to talk to me as the way I am fond of them. When I was young, I would argue with them for not listening to me or making me mad or even not understanding me. I did not know it then the way I know now- I love my sisters  alot and I am lucky to have them, just to talk just to hear them say things just to make me smile and laugh together..

I LOVE YOU ALOT SISTA AND WILL ALWAYS!!!!

………………………

I’ve been awake for a while now
you’ve got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin safe (*) and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just……..mmmmmm

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I’ll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

I love this song so muchhhhhhh…..

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all

We had a small party after my bro got married and this is the memory of the fun we had during that day. Sorry guys, the party was so small I could not include you all. It was a flying marriage hahaha and that’s why we could only include the family members and some of our relatives.

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What do u think?? ;)

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        Last week, I heard news about a European guy marrying an Italian girlfriend after they planned to meet after 15 years. They were in love 15 years back when they were together but due to reason that they are from different country they had to separate from each other. That time the guy happened to send a love letter to his girlfriend which was lost somewhere inside her house. It was this love letter, which was found after all this year when the house was about to be renovated that helped the girl call his boyfriend once again to try her luck. It was definitely the match made in heaven -the guy has been waiting for her. Something never changes for someone after we have shared the best moment of life with him/her. The promises we have made and all the things we have said never fades away. If the love we have promised are really true and deepest from our heart, the love we promised to give each other forever from true heart remains the same though we are not together.

       "What would you do if I come meet you when you are 60? ""I'll punch you right on your face for being so late ", "we'll make love all day and night when we get old " "yeah that would be a good exercise ", "you are my first and you are my last love " these things might be forgotten for some times but they will definitely strike us at some point in future because they are not meant to be forgotten.

My day started with a plan to finish the unfinished job – helping my friend to complete his letters for Endeavour Scholarship for Australia. I reached his home at 10 if I am not not mistaken. BY 1:15 , everything was complete and that’s when my other friend called. We had a plan to make some plans for the saturday- something new I should say.

When we met he already had a plan in his mind. He offered a 4D movie to watch the first time in Nepal. and that’s too the first day though not the first show. I agreed and ready to watch the movie. we both didn’t know what’s the difference between a 3D and 4D movie. We reached Kamalpokhari – the place where the movie was on. Paying 300 each, we waited for half an hour all curious to know what its like to watch a 4D movie. By 2:30 we were in, seated and ready for the new experience. In few minutes all the audience were surprised when suddenly the seat tilted backwards. and as the front bar moved towards us just above the chest everything was set to began the show. for two minutes the seat moved back and forth giving me an illusion of riding a roller coaster though I have never been on it. hehe.  then here comes the first movie “ Mind maze” I don’t remember the name hehehe. the casting was a moving train and all the audience are the passengers. as the watchman in the movie applied applied brake, our seat jerked forth giving us an illusion of actually being inside the train. The old watchman, in his tone trying to threaten us but not successful, at least I’m not scared. :D This is the beginning with a 3D movie.The next would be a 4D .

Here comes the tunnel now, the seats swaying left to right as the train changes its direction. we experienced few jerks with the bumpy road and collision with the objects on the road. Different creatures on the railway track disturbed our journey. i nearly jumped when the small tubes underneath my feet crawl inside my legs – the coincidence was I was on slippers without socks. As one of the insect sprayed its poison, the water is sprayed on our face through a small opening at the front pipe. At the end  when the train smashed with the wall we could see the real smoke in the room. But finally we got out of the tunnel safe.;) For the next part, why not visit the new mall and watch it for new experience!!!

Its a fiscal year and I am busy. This is the time when I  can learn a lot of things in my field. I have been busy learning and helping my senior engineer- learning to prepare the Interim Payment Certificate (IPC) and helping draw some of the on location drawings. I have a lot of improvements to made both in drawing and hunting for the most probable mistake anyone might make. It was a real fun and worth doing when it comes to work. The job not new but it comes in with new surprises for me each time learning an additional information that I need to judge if I am in right or heading towards a wrong path.

The first thing that has to be done for the preparation of  IPC in a road project is the As Location drawing where all the drawing of the finished structures are made exactly the same way as they are constructed in the site with their proper dimensions and fit them in the cross section. Then comes the earth work calculation for the respective drawing. It remind me of those college days when we calculated the earthworks even without cross sections. They were supposed to be our estimated earthworks; but no earthwork without the cross section of the particular location. I learnt how to use AutoCad to find the earthwork in excavation and area of Masonry. I get a sense of satisfaction to have this opportunity to learn something. After all the drawing works is complete them comes the preparation of the format for the data entry in IPC. The quantity is calculated using the area from the Cad program and multiplying it with the length from the Back elevation. The location where the height changes Average area method is used to calculate the quantity. Hence the earthwork, formwork, Concrete in PCC and  Masonry Quantity are  calculated respectively. The rate of each item is then multiplied to calculate the amount. It seems easy when I say here but quite a lot to work out to get the accurate IPC.

Here is the copy of  sectional drawing that has to be made before preparing IPC.

We met after a long time and that’s its a nice day to remember.

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Hi all its again me. On the bus right now heading to my job site. Nothing so special about this day but just an another ordinary day. I usually get the bus immediately after i reach the stop but this time was different. I had to wait for 8 mins I guess and I am not surprised when it started crowding. I was feeling lucky for getting a seat, though not one of my favorites, hehe and that’s when a middle aged lady entered with a kid on her back and one holding her hand, guiding her to school most probably. I knew it’s my time to offer the lady my seat. Since it was crowded there was not even an inch to move so i could offer her my seat. I thought of a next idea. May be I should help her carry her kid. I asked her so and she unbuckled her porch to release her son and i took him on my lap. At first I was scared the kid might not like me or want to stick with his own mom. But he didn’t so I felt it ok. But the ok didn’t seem to last long for me. The kid wanted to break free off my brace and But the ok didn’t seem to last long for me. The kid wanted to break free off my brace and dance as every kid do. Letting him dance that wild was what I didn’t want him to do. He protested with his low utter so i had to give up. All i had to do was not to let him bump his head on the mirror. Seems happy with it. He start to rock and roll and got out of my control. I was wanted to end the journey. I don’t know why it seemed to be extending. For a min I thought of giving up my seat and offering her to sit there because it would be easier for me to stand and not carry the kid than having a seat and carry him. I don’t know why it is difficult for me to control him or I simply don’t know how to act as a kid. It was a great relief when the station came and the lady got off. I was very much willing to give her the kid. I guess I am gonna be a terrible father. ;)

# I dont understand whats wrong with me, these feelings that I have i dont know why, the crazy it seems the silly it is; then you touched my heart and everything feels right.

# I dont know how to start a day with- a morning news? a song? Or a tea filled cup, I suddenly realized I missed you wake me up

# when I go to bed I swear to myself that I am going to think less about you tonight, then I think what are the things that I dont want to think about you; my mind goes on thinking, i dont know what and till when. I woke up in the morning and realize oh no I spend another might thinking about you.

# you love pink but I love blue, you are genuk but I am kurus. You are short and I am tall. We are different but I dont know what binds us together. May be we've similar heart or may be we've one heart.

# I started loving white roses to red, in colors my eyes move towards pink very quick. I am enjoying vanilla ice cream. I started having too much sweet and salty, always add 2 hrs when I check my time and developing slight blend towards cleanliness. Its scary but its true. I am not myself anymore its you. The only 3 things that says its still me are - I dont use blusher , i dont get periods and i still love pain :)

# 1st line which blew my mind :- I take you more than a friend.

2nd line which blew my mind :- everytime i chat with you the feeling is different.

3rd line which blew my mind :- you are my love, you are my life and you are my everything.

4th line which blew my mind :- you ease my pain, and it continues. I have no words to explain this because you have already blown my mind.

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The start of the day says how the whole day is going to be. I would not call it a total pissed of morning rather I had a lot of rest and time to surf net. The beginning was enthusiastic. Later when I had to spend one and half an hour waiting for the bus which gets me to changu Narayan, my job site, I had a feeling that my day is spoiled. I hate to wait even when it is to my friends but this was the worst wait I ever did. For a sec I thought of taking a leave for a day today. But I waited; I don’t know where the word called patience came to me today. I was destined to reach late and I did as well. Of course I was expecting the questioning face of my chief. Then came my 2km walk, which was not worst but real tiresome, to the lab site. I was supposed to learn to make the lab report from the senior lab technician and since I arrived late, he had already finished it. Bad luck for me or maybe not. The virus has affected pc so much that there is no option than formatting it. He needed to make the report again and that I will definitely be there the next time hehe. My quest to learn total station was fulfilled today. I learnt layout but still need to learn to collect the cross section data, its not going to take me long anyway :). My other responsibility was to manipulate the cross section data and generate the reduced level of each location. It was a piece of cake for me but the three hundred data took me a lot of time I didn’t even realize its late or over time; I should say; though I don’t get paid for OT HEHE. Here again time for me to wait for the bus my most irritating part of job. :). On my way to home all I thought was to get home quick before the clinic gets close so as to get the insulin for my mom. Thank god I am not too late. Now I am preparing dinner somehow relaxed my hectic day is going to be over. Good night all.

It was 28th April and I don’t know how, when i saw someone carry red rose, I wished to plant a rose of my own. Me loving a white rose is a different story to tell, that time I expressed my wish to my cousin sister asking when I could find it. Everything was instant and so was her answer. By somehow I found she was excited too which made me more determined. She knew the place to find. Together we went to steal a branch with the hope the rose would grow healthy if the plant is stolen as the saying explains. Someone help me with a knife so as to cut a few branches. I didn’t know how to plant it. Since i was already determined I never bothered about it. The thorn cut my skin to bleed; a small price to pay for stealing. Lol. When I got back home most people told it'll not grow. I was not convinced that my drop of blood was a waste :-) I turned out every pages in my memory to remember how to cut the branch and plant the rose because by somehow I knew I was taught to plant a rose; may be in 4 or 5th standard, I can’t remember. After I planted it’ll was very happy. I thought about my mom who was in ICU that time.
Today when I see the plant I can find leaves coming out of the spot where it used to thorns. I am excited to see when it gives white roses. My trickle of blood was not a waste. I water the plant everyday and it is lively lately. The leaves are tiny but green. I must thank to the few days pain or the dryness would have made it crack. Right now it has 9 leaves and 4 more modes where the leaves are going to emerge. I will definitely add a page when my first lovely white rose rises and smiles at me.

It has been a week or so I have joined a construction company after completion of my bachelor degree in Civil Engineering. Life as we know it is tough really tough I should say or from the way others have described. Since this is my first time on job and had no experience in my technical field, I took it as my learning phase and determined my path is not going to be a piece of cake. My uncle helped me get the job through his friend who is a contractor. I am appointed by the contractor to work for the consultant in a road project funded by ADB. This is why my real opponent in case of argument is unclear. Disputes are inevitable in any project and i must say I have been lucky to observe two or three of first time experience of disputes between the two parties.

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It feels as if it were yesterday we talked on the phone, I heard your voice and we laughed a lot, when smile comes in my face; feels as if it has been years we built the wall of silence between us when I am encircled by my solitary days and nights. Needless to mention of the days and nights I have spent without you were like hell, the strength of the feelings that's enriching inside me is amazing. You must have changed. That big eyes I used to dive into must have gone even more sparkling, the inflated cheeks I tempted to cup in my hands must have been soft, softer than before and the way they get red when you blush must be cute, and those sexy lips I can't explain. The hair must have grown longer. Your skin might have wrinkled and I bet you would still be looking charming with those lines in your skin. So much might have changed in you, your voice might sound different though it echoes it my mind all the time. You must have lost a lot of pounds because of working everyday, if not, then must have gone fat and yet sexy. Sometimes, I get the feeling if you would ever recognise me when i come to you at the time you get old or if you would consider taking me in. No one have been able to affect me the way you did or may be I didnt let them. I still get your pictures in my mind while praying. I am aching because I dont know how to react to such an absolute feeling like never before, and it makes me wonder what makes it so intense and true. It made me think if you were the only sweetest ever happened to me, I believe its not a lie. I dream sometimes, how hurt you will be when I come to you in our old age, may be get mad at me for being so late. I hope you will forgive me of all the mistakes I have done that time, all the pains I have caused and all the tears I let fall off your eyes. I'm paying the price now for how I hurt you every day every minute and every second, I hope you would move the biggest stone off my chest at that time. I dont want to die without spending my some part of my life you or my soul will never rest in peace. To let know my heart is more stronger than before and learning more from my mistakes. The distance doesnt bother me much since I discovered the depth of my truth. Nothing can shake me away from my dream and together with you is where my destiny. The depth of true love is not how close you are and feel for each other but how far you stay yet feel stronger more and more each day.
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I was with my friend talking when are we going to finish our BE and get ready for our job hunt, when i heard my mom calling me; her tears almost melting from her eyes. Its again my cousin getting unconscious the second time. I rushed to her house thought didnt know what to do. I was thinking what possibly can i do while travelling the first floor. I peered from the third floor stairs to the fourth floor thats where i saw my elder mom holding my cousin in her arms trying to keep her awake at the same time. She was calling her name wishing her to hear all the words she said. As i gazed over my cousin's face i can tell she could hardly hear anything. Saliva floating through her mouth i see her eyes half closed or half open i should say. She was finding it hard to keep her eyes open but fighting every minutes hold on. I remember all the words she said about being sacred to die. I hold her hand and shook her up trying to make her belief everything is going to be or or trying to believe myself. I was definately more sacred at this time than her because she didnt know whats happening to her. The two of us worked a worthless try i should say. Her hair messed up legs spread all ever the floor and the color of eyes some what changed its color. I have never seen her this way. She was pretty, cheerfull and always good looking. My elder mom figured it out it was not her. Slowly most of the relatives moved to the room that make it look small everyone with the same bewildered expression in their face wondering what has happened to her yet noone has any answers. Suddenly the expression on her face changed- fighting for life to smiling on everyone leaving everyone perplexed. Only then my elder mom know what was wrong. She figured it out. Yes it was not her. She has been possessed by someone or something- a soul an evil. Most of the audience guessed by the way she looked at their eyes. Yes she has been possessed by an evil soul. I didnt know how to react and i drew back my place occupied by my sister. After it was confirmed she has been possessed by an evil soul, all the comforting words faded and turned into scold. My elder mom scolded her so much asking her who she was and why is she doing this to her only daughter. With each scold the smile from my cousin's face disappeared and filled it with an expression a question or a more straight or say piercing look. I see the hatred dissatisfaction and anger in her eyes all at once or may be none because noone could figure it out. At the time everyone was trying to drive the evil soul away from her body i was trying to find a medical explanation o this situation. Of course i find none.
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14-3 i.e.14th march. Not a big day when I came to this world but someone made it so special that I may forget the day I was born but this day. That “someone” then marked it as my date of birth (though its not my date of birth), the very special day making it even more so just by pronouncing it through her sweet lips. Those were the days when you walk on your way being an ordinary guy- the world Damn care about what you do or think or they would hardly feel if you exist then that “someone” walks into you life though you were so sure you have locked up all the doors. She breaks in; opens all the doors giving you a new art of life and make you feel special out of an ordinary life. Suddenly the world seems to care about you as if in a joy ride side by side. Someone finds you when you were not even searching and you don’t even mind to fall head over heels simply because you can’t help it. The first time you see her smile, instantaneously, nothing seem to matter but the spark that comes on her face on each smile like a glitter in the sky on each full moon. You don’t have to try to forget everything after the smile because there would certainly be nothing left in the mind to think more than the glimpse of smile. Then you started dreaming about it every night as you go to bed with it. Every time you pray and see that smile which doesn’t seem to leave your memory by any cost as if a haunt. But haunt makes people sacred where it brings pleasure with it. Now you accumulate all you strength to think of an idea to make her pull those lips and smile even if you have to be the craziest; you adore it. You go for the silliest joke, act or word because you see the world within that smile; not the world which didn’t know you existed but the one which knew exactly who you are.

The slight change in that smile and the pain starts the fear of the most important person being fade away or might just remain in dreams. The pain of  being apart which didn’t bother before started striking your heart like a ticking clock always make you aware you lack of something, someone. You swallow it deep down in your heart but the pain melts through you eyes each drop reminding of how deep the feeling is. The bond between two hearts is so strong even the heaviest metal can’t cut it through and so light at the same time that a slightest wind has potential to blow it away. But the thing that’s shared between two are never carried away. You can erase what’s written on the surface but the depth it has penetrated will last till we are gone and what’s in the depth re-suspends on the surface in time and again. You may try to leap forward but the heart stays one step back still hoping for reunion with what she has been separated. Whatever be the reason, they are no worth for holding back the two loving hearts for that long time. But will someone wait for me the way said till the skin gets wrinkled? The only way to get the answer is to stand before her and ask it. The fine cloud has been drifted away but I believe it rain again just for me this time. I’m still missing the things because I know the things that I have though I don’t say it anymore only because of the fear of being misunderstood. I’m scared the repetition of my part of truth might make is false. I have always been told I would be giving up quickly when I always tell that I will not. I want to see who it would be to give up first. The feeling inside me is not hidden for me no matter how much I’m incapable of showing it to others. I’m just waiting for that day which I have dreamt of long time and I will get it one day. I wish is almost everyday.

As I walk down the streets on my way to home or college, I don’t see as much flying balloons filled with water, as I used to, targeted to the so called beautiful girls. The day of colors is just a single day away but I see no sign of it in my perimeter. May be I am too much concerned with my project that’s why the celebration by others pass unnoticed. But the charm of this special day has definitely diminished at present. Today I stayed home, still the hangover from last might has not gone yet, but I don’t have to force myself to think about the good memories that I had at this day in the past. Though it’s chilly right now but the fun we had on this date a year ago keeps me warm, excited and pleasant. Visiting my friend and making him all wet right under his balcony was definitely a fun. It was even more excitements for a person like me who loves rain to chase and throw buckets of water onto each other and trying to be most dried at the same time. We neither minded what we are going to wear to get back home nor did we care when we are going to get back home. Everything was so much fun that we forgot almost everything for the moment- worries, responsibilities (as we didn’t mind emptying the water tank that was supposed to be used for construction purpose) ,tiredness (as we didn’t care though we were out of breathe) and pains(our cheeks were hurting because of laughing of a lot hehe). We didn’t even stop calling some more friends to join us to add up fun and the way the girl next door participated secretly just to get some water filled plastic bags hit over her head was definitely an amusing trailer to watch lol. All the other guys and girls eyeing us with an expression of jealousy and 'wish I had that day' look in their face. Tease in our gait and 'are you envy?' in our eyes each time our missile hit the bulls eyes,;-). Later we came to realized We really got tired throwing our projectiles of water filled plastic bags to the kids who joined an hour ago. We were the kids once again with our almost wrinkled face hahaha. As the evening deepened the cold breeze made us shiver, the nature asking us to stop. The only thing that could keep us warm inside was the sips of hot tea and of course the good memory that we had made that everyone is going to remember in the days to come. Yes it’s HOLI again; though the time we spent can never be played back the memory of it can still make the day pleasant.