FRAGMENTS OF MY LIFE

Most of the mornings –wake up at 5 am or sometimes even early just to let know if you are online. Mixed reaction in my mind- about what I am going to say if you are there and what I am going to do if you are not there. Log in - wishing that you be there. My heartbeat speeds up with the moving dots of downloading contact lists. With the information about the available stuff in mig33 store, “my heart” pauses - My thumb- anxious to press ‘continue’. You are not there. “My heart” stops and “my mind” takes over. “Must have been very tired last night that’s why - should be in deep sleep.”- “my mind” searches twice for the reason to stay online and with the hope that you will pop-out anytime I keep myself away and lay in my bed. After a couple of minutes “my mind” argues to log out. 7 am in the morning- “my heart” tells me someone is waiting for me. “It’s your illusion”- “my mind” denies but doesn’t want to enter into an argument and hence orders my fingers to log in to prove that “my heart” was wrong.
“My heart” –sad thinking about “my mind” would again take over if what she felt was wrong and that’s what happened. “My heart” still has a hope and asks “my mind” to wait –open ears – so as to hear the when I get a text. “Must have waken up and in the shower may be or preparing lunch” – “my mind” explains. “My heart” satisfied with the explanation and wishes to disappear before anyone else texts me. “ Must be busy with the house work-cooking- cleaning- and serving and eating self-then shower-and everything”- “My mind” explaining every possible reason to pacify my heart. Time for me to wake up- breakfast- and everything. Around 10 or 11 “my heart” breaks the ice - again hearing the alarm that someone is waiting for me. Helplessly "my mind" pushes the button and log in. "my heart" - trying to smile and sad at the same time - keeps. Her fingers - crossed hoping something to happen- asked “my mind” not to order to the fingers quickly but rather unfold the suspense slowly. Once again, its time for “my mind” to take over. “Don’t say you forgot that she takes a nap after her house work coz she gets tired”- if its Saturday and Sunday or- “she must be working you know- you can’t expect everyone has nothing to do just like yourself” if its other than the national holidays- “my mind” throws pitchy words this time to convince “my heart” which She couldn’t believe though heard it precisely. Some days the pessimism of "my heart" fills with rage to "my mind"’s comment and then demands to log out instantly arguing back; but most of the times she swallows it quietly and stays online.
2 pm in the after noon- “my heart” pushes “my mind” to order my fingers to log in again. Log in again to see the same- Couldn’t find the one who She is looking for. “Its time to pick up the kidz” “my mind” remembers the schedule and “my heart”- satisfied once more. If it was the day except Friday and Sunday then no explanation required because the reason was of course work. There was no point in waiting. “My heart” steps back as She knows after work it’s shower time and then cooking dinner. And by the time dinner is over, it would already be 8 pm or more. But there is still a ray of hope. “My heart”- optimistic than ever- wants to log in again around 7 and She finds the same result. “kidz need sometimes with the mother”-“my mind” argues with the best logic. With the appraisal to “my mind” “my heart” waits and it doesn’t last long as dc ends everything. She tries to come back again but dc and dc and dc. Now She doesn’t have an enthusiasm to log in again- gives up – calm- sad – depressed but still breathing. “My mind” cheers Her up telling Her its Her time after kidz. Due to which She logs in again at 9 or 10 hoping at least to say goodnight or if not; leave a mail. As She is in – find no one and sits down to write mail – She could think of nothing else but the same loneliness feelings which She doesn’t prefer to write coz that’s not what someone wants to read.” My heart” goes numb though has a lot of things to say but doesn’t utter a word. Sometimes even after writing a page, She orders to delete and sometimes while searching for the words that describe just the opposite of what I am feeling; dc over rules. Lately most of the time “my mind” hides its words and eyes helplessly stared at the cell phone all vacant. After the lights are out, there would be a tug of war between “my mind” and “my heart”. My body lies on the bed, sometimes, all wasted like it has been raped or a bliss less creature searching for the next body to stick together, the other times. My hand - to feel the heavenly touch-my lips to get blessed by the magnetic kisses and my ear to hear those three magical words. Hour turns into days - days into week – my wish still unfulfilled.

Dont tell me I am not crazy coz i know I am and dont think that i miss you alot its just I think about you alot!!!

Just to let you know – my heart started it with a rage and ended it with pleasure if you know what I mean.