9:36:00 PM


created by Ram |

Every time I want my mind and heart think less about any situation that I am into, I tell myself ' I DON’T CARE' all out loud ( though none can heart it ) and all in capital. My mind went blank and my fingers not helping me type the words that I have planned for this post as soon as I hear the row that my mom and dad are having downstairs. My heartbeat elevated, as if a man being chased for life and death my face expressionless as if unable to react where I am into or not being able to figure out the events that are orbiting around me. Whatever I have written, I read it twice thought about it thrice or even more than. Try to think about it would be the right phrase I purpose as my ability to think has been torn between two activities- what I was trying to write when I just started and what the situation has dragged me into now. I tried hard not letting it to affect me my life and my tiny heart but the fear in my mind can hardly say the words ' I DONT CARE ' nor could my trembling hands text it as easily as it was supposed to be. Everything freeze around me when the argument rocked and I nearly jumped off my bed when I felt my mom's foot slip off the step. She went upstairs to cook, my dad downstairs and me filling my lungs with the air filled with smoke that my dad exhaled downstairs with my ears upstairs listening my mom cough, the familiar sound I hear every time the same event she repeats, trying to figure out which one is my way. Though I know there is no such thing for me like my way and your way as i grew up being in this kind of situation and each time I could not decide my way. My dad leaves the room after he is done with his words as if a sign of despair or his way of showing 'I DONT CARE’ and spends sometime alone till he feels that he forgives and really don’t care, my mom just stares to everyone with the same expression admitting the mistakes that she has made promising as well though repeating it over and over again, her way of expressing ' I don’t care' I am searching for my way of saying it out loud and significant unlike the way they did. Though I told them I am going to disappear and they will never see my face again, seems that was not that significant or simply I can’t stop though I clearly stated that I don't care. My dad asked me to have dinner with him and mom all three together. Thank god for the first time in my life he asked for it. I have wanted it so much in my whole life that he shows he really cares for me. Wait a minute may be I should not thank god in such a hurry because the situation of his asking is different. The thing is different and he is different at this time. I am not the one who wants perfection in my life but at least I am not going to be happy with something less than perfect this time.

My sister called in. Just called in to know why my dad asked her to come home early the next morning. May she was expecting me crying this time as well like before because she sounded worried but this time she need not know. I won’t let her know either as I refused to break down. Damn how can I forget she already knew about, how can I forget some of the things don’t needs the words to say or lets put it this way some of the things don’t need to be said also how can I forget she has the ability to understand the words between my sighs. I don’t want to break her down just like I did last time that's why I refuse to explain whatever she is demanding to know. She has to give my mom a visit tomorrow morning if she really wants to know I made her the things this way. She acted as if she felt the things have already been sorted out when she never believed its going to fade away as easily and quickly as hailstone on reaching the earth. I didn’t want her to know. She has taken a lot of stress but somehow is molded into the situation again. I know she will visit tomorrow early in the morning as I am sure she is not going to get a sound sleep tonight. I just pray to god, if you really are there, to spare her little heart from pain that is not only hers.