8:03:00 PM


created by Ram |

I was with my friend talking when are we going to finish our BE and get ready for our job hunt, when i heard my mom calling me; her tears almost melting from her eyes. Its again my cousin getting unconscious the second time. I rushed to her house thought didnt know what to do. I was thinking what possibly can i do while travelling the first floor. I peered from the third floor stairs to the fourth floor thats where i saw my elder mom holding my cousin in her arms trying to keep her awake at the same time. She was calling her name wishing her to hear all the words she said. As i gazed over my cousin's face i can tell she could hardly hear anything. Saliva floating through her mouth i see her eyes half closed or half open i should say. She was finding it hard to keep her eyes open but fighting every minutes hold on. I remember all the words she said about being sacred to die. I hold her hand and shook her up trying to make her belief everything is going to be or or trying to believe myself. I was definately more sacred at this time than her because she didnt know whats happening to her. The two of us worked a worthless try i should say. Her hair messed up legs spread all ever the floor and the color of eyes some what changed its color. I have never seen her this way. She was pretty, cheerfull and always good looking. My elder mom figured it out it was not her. Slowly most of the relatives moved to the room that make it look small everyone with the same bewildered expression in their face wondering what has happened to her yet noone has any answers. Suddenly the expression on her face changed- fighting for life to smiling on everyone leaving everyone perplexed. Only then my elder mom know what was wrong. She figured it out. Yes it was not her. She has been possessed by someone or something- a soul an evil. Most of the audience guessed by the way she looked at their eyes. Yes she has been possessed by an evil soul. I didnt know how to react and i drew back my place occupied by my sister. After it was confirmed she has been possessed by an evil soul, all the comforting words faded and turned into scold. My elder mom scolded her so much asking her who she was and why is she doing this to her only daughter. With each scold the smile from my cousin's face disappeared and filled it with an expression a question or a more straight or say piercing look. I see the hatred dissatisfaction and anger in her eyes all at once or may be none because noone could figure it out. At the time everyone was trying to drive the evil soul away from her body i was trying to find a medical explanation o this situation. Of course i find none.
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2:26:00 AM


created by Ram |

14-3 i.e.14th march. Not a big day when I came to this world but someone made it so special that I may forget the day I was born but this day. That “someone” then marked it as my date of birth (though its not my date of birth), the very special day making it even more so just by pronouncing it through her sweet lips. Those were the days when you walk on your way being an ordinary guy- the world Damn care about what you do or think or they would hardly feel if you exist then that “someone” walks into you life though you were so sure you have locked up all the doors. She breaks in; opens all the doors giving you a new art of life and make you feel special out of an ordinary life. Suddenly the world seems to care about you as if in a joy ride side by side. Someone finds you when you were not even searching and you don’t even mind to fall head over heels simply because you can’t help it. The first time you see her smile, instantaneously, nothing seem to matter but the spark that comes on her face on each smile like a glitter in the sky on each full moon. You don’t have to try to forget everything after the smile because there would certainly be nothing left in the mind to think more than the glimpse of smile. Then you started dreaming about it every night as you go to bed with it. Every time you pray and see that smile which doesn’t seem to leave your memory by any cost as if a haunt. But haunt makes people sacred where it brings pleasure with it. Now you accumulate all you strength to think of an idea to make her pull those lips and smile even if you have to be the craziest; you adore it. You go for the silliest joke, act or word because you see the world within that smile; not the world which didn’t know you existed but the one which knew exactly who you are.


The slight change in that smile and the pain starts the fear of the most important person being fade away or might just remain in dreams. The pain of  being apart which didn’t bother before started striking your heart like a ticking clock always make you aware you lack of something, someone. You swallow it deep down in your heart but the pain melts through you eyes each drop reminding of how deep the feeling is. The bond between two hearts is so strong even the heaviest metal can’t cut it through and so light at the same time that a slightest wind has potential to blow it away. But the thing that’s shared between two are never carried away. You can erase what’s written on the surface but the depth it has penetrated will last till we are gone and what’s in the depth re-suspends on the surface in time and again. You may try to leap forward but the heart stays one step back still hoping for reunion with what she has been separated. Whatever be the reason, they are no worth for holding back the two loving hearts for that long time. But will someone wait for me the way said till the skin gets wrinkled? The only way to get the answer is to stand before her and ask it. The fine cloud has been drifted away but I believe it rain again just for me this time. I’m still missing the things because I know the things that I have though I don’t say it anymore only because of the fear of being misunderstood. I’m scared the repetition of my part of truth might make is false. I have always been told I would be giving up quickly when I always tell that I will not. I want to see who it would be to give up first. The feeling inside me is not hidden for me no matter how much I’m incapable of showing it to others. I’m just waiting for that day which I have dreamt of long time and I will get it one day. I wish is almost everyday.


8:14:00 PM


created by Ram |

As I walk down the streets on my way to home or college, I don’t see as much flying balloons filled with water, as I used to, targeted to the so called beautiful girls. The day of colors is just a single day away but I see no sign of it in my perimeter. May be I am too much concerned with my project that’s why the celebration by others pass unnoticed. But the charm of this special day has definitely diminished at present. Today I stayed home, still the hangover from last might has not gone yet, but I don’t have to force myself to think about the good memories that I had at this day in the past. Though it’s chilly right now but the fun we had on this date a year ago keeps me warm, excited and pleasant. Visiting my friend and making him all wet right under his balcony was definitely a fun. It was even more excitements for a person like me who loves rain to chase and throw buckets of water onto each other and trying to be most dried at the same time. We neither minded what we are going to wear to get back home nor did we care when we are going to get back home. Everything was so much fun that we forgot almost everything for the moment- worries, responsibilities (as we didn’t mind emptying the water tank that was supposed to be used for construction purpose) ,tiredness (as we didn’t care though we were out of breathe) and pains(our cheeks were hurting because of laughing of a lot hehe). We didn’t even stop calling some more friends to join us to add up fun and the way the girl next door participated secretly just to get some water filled plastic bags hit over her head was definitely an amusing trailer to watch lol. All the other guys and girls eyeing us with an expression of jealousy and 'wish I had that day' look in their face. Tease in our gait and 'are you envy?' in our eyes each time our missile hit the bulls eyes,;-). Later we came to realized We really got tired throwing our projectiles of water filled plastic bags to the kids who joined an hour ago. We were the kids once again with our almost wrinkled face hahaha. As the evening deepened the cold breeze made us shiver, the nature asking us to stop. The only thing that could keep us warm inside was the sips of hot tea and of course the good memory that we had made that everyone is going to remember in the days to come. Yes it’s HOLI again; though the time we spent can never be played back the memory of it can still make the day pleasant.


9:36:00 PM


created by Ram |

Every time I want my mind and heart think less about any situation that I am into, I tell myself ' I DON’T CARE' all out loud ( though none can heart it ) and all in capital. My mind went blank and my fingers not helping me type the words that I have planned for this post as soon as I hear the row that my mom and dad are having downstairs. My heartbeat elevated, as if a man being chased for life and death my face expressionless as if unable to react where I am into or not being able to figure out the events that are orbiting around me. Whatever I have written, I read it twice thought about it thrice or even more than. Try to think about it would be the right phrase I purpose as my ability to think has been torn between two activities- what I was trying to write when I just started and what the situation has dragged me into now. I tried hard not letting it to affect me my life and my tiny heart but the fear in my mind can hardly say the words ' I DONT CARE ' nor could my trembling hands text it as easily as it was supposed to be. Everything freeze around me when the argument rocked and I nearly jumped off my bed when I felt my mom's foot slip off the step. She went upstairs to cook, my dad downstairs and me filling my lungs with the air filled with smoke that my dad exhaled downstairs with my ears upstairs listening my mom cough, the familiar sound I hear every time the same event she repeats, trying to figure out which one is my way. Though I know there is no such thing for me like my way and your way as i grew up being in this kind of situation and each time I could not decide my way. My dad leaves the room after he is done with his words as if a sign of despair or his way of showing 'I DONT CARE’ and spends sometime alone till he feels that he forgives and really don’t care, my mom just stares to everyone with the same expression admitting the mistakes that she has made promising as well though repeating it over and over again, her way of expressing ' I don’t care' I am searching for my way of saying it out loud and significant unlike the way they did. Though I told them I am going to disappear and they will never see my face again, seems that was not that significant or simply I can’t stop though I clearly stated that I don't care. My dad asked me to have dinner with him and mom all three together. Thank god for the first time in my life he asked for it. I have wanted it so much in my whole life that he shows he really cares for me. Wait a minute may be I should not thank god in such a hurry because the situation of his asking is different. The thing is different and he is different at this time. I am not the one who wants perfection in my life but at least I am not going to be happy with something less than perfect this time.

My sister called in. Just called in to know why my dad asked her to come home early the next morning. May she was expecting me crying this time as well like before because she sounded worried but this time she need not know. I won’t let her know either as I refused to break down. Damn how can I forget she already knew about, how can I forget some of the things don’t needs the words to say or lets put it this way some of the things don’t need to be said also how can I forget she has the ability to understand the words between my sighs. I don’t want to break her down just like I did last time that's why I refuse to explain whatever she is demanding to know. She has to give my mom a visit tomorrow morning if she really wants to know I made her the things this way. She acted as if she felt the things have already been sorted out when she never believed its going to fade away as easily and quickly as hailstone on reaching the earth. I didn’t want her to know. She has taken a lot of stress but somehow is molded into the situation again. I know she will visit tomorrow early in the morning as I am sure she is not going to get a sound sleep tonight. I just pray to god, if you really are there, to spare her little heart from pain that is not only hers.

9:46:00 PM


created by Ram |

This is the clip from a movie which gave me a huge crush on mandy moore. The movie is ofcourse "10 things i hate about you". "A walk to remember" is the is the next movie i loved.

I hate the way you talk to me, 

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car, 

I hate it when you stare. 

I hate your big dumb combat boots 

and the way you read my mind. 

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right, 

I hate it when you lie. 

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around, 

and the fact that you didn’t call. 

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, 

not even close…

not even a little bit… 

not even at all.

12:17:00 PM


created by Ram |

I smell methanol all over my blood today I don’t know why. From the very morning I smell it so intense I felt  it suffocating. Is this a dream or my psychic vision I am not sure about that but I feel like I can smell it so badly as if its in my nose or as if my head is inside the bottle or tank I should say. Can it make me intoxicated? Or make me want to vomit. I felt dizzy and sick and want to get lost. I cleared my nose but still the same. I concentrated on writing my lab report and in few minutes the smell is gone. I don’t have any habit of drinking or any wish to try it and I don’t know how my senses had an affinity to something which is not around. It’s another day and i fought against it. You might feel i have won the battle but I still don’t believe it yet. Winning the battle takes a split second but it takes a life time to rule over what you have won. The battle doesn’t end that easily whether it involves killing someone or a fight with yourself. Fight with yourself is much tougher than the war with others. Battle with others makes you either winner or a looser but fight with yourself makes you looser in either way. I am in a battle with myself and the result is yet to come!