8:11:00 AM

LOST BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN !

created by Ram |

My elder sister was listening to what the doctor has to say outside ICU. I couldn't;hence moved away to the glass panel gazing to the dark and scary night. Tears running down my eyes ;my reflection crying with me. In spite of the fact , I couldn't help searching for a ray of hope that could keep my mom breathing no matter how scant that might be. The way he was explaining, we (me and my sister ) both knew there was no other way than letting her (my mom) go. My sister was calm giving her ears to every minor details being passed from the other side. I wondered how could she maintained her sanity. Doesnt she realise the one, because of who we existed, has stopped living? May be she thought crying infront of me would augment our misery to an extent from where we cant get back. Also there is no one else to comfort us had we both mourn together to that level. My sister uttered every sensible words to ease my pain but nothing seemed to stop my tears.
Fifteen minutes ago, my sister was telling how she met the doctor on her way to bathroom who explained it was time to give up the hope. The sooner you confront to the reality the better it was. After that coversation being shared, it felt as if our speech has been robbed, our ground has been displaced where we have been sitting. 'What are we going to do?' was the only question that was being transferred through our vacant eyes. Those fifteen minutes were a complete torture when all you do is wait till someone declare the one who has given you birth has left you live on your own and the fact that you already know about it makes it even worse.
I dont know how I guided my crying sister, sobbing self, through a corridor into a hall where everybody was busy making their bed to spend the night. Offering my sister a seat outside the hall, I didnt try to appease her as I couldn't pacify myself yet. That's the point in my life when I really wished I had someone who would share not only my happiness but pain, who would teach not only to hold on myself but to convince my sister that in spite of everything, it will be OK eventually. Sitting next to each other, we cried on our own till we convinced ourselves it wasn't worthed. We never made an effort to console each other because we couldn't say the words which we didnt believe ourselves.      A year ago, the moment still vivid, was when we two (me and my sister) sharing our part of grief outside ICU on a chair with tears uninterruptedly flowing from our eyes leaving landmarks on our cheeks. That was the first time my mom was diagnosed with diabetics. She was struggling inside in her bed alone while we two outside leaning to each other hoping it will pass soon. We cried more than we talked. And we did console  as we both knew each others story. Everything was the same that time and now;the only difference was my mom couldn't pull it off this time. My sister made two calls to let my brother and other elder sister know that there is nomore though her cry says it all. After we were called in to check out with my mom's defunct body I could barely look at it.  Being dragged onto the lobby out of the emergency room, she was covered by white sheet from head to toe and I stole my eyes to look away coz its too heart breaking to see her being dragged that way.
Few months ago, i dont exactly remember when, I had to carry my mom to her room coz she was intoxicated. I will never forget that incident for the rest of my life. When I reached upstair(in our kitchen) for dinner, the very time when my mom stood up holding her plate in her hand towards the sink. Not only  she paced twice she hit the column and collapsed on the floor. Yeah she has been drinking. helping her to her room I cried till my my head spinned that day.
Two weeks ago I had a huge argument with my mom about her drinking habit after I found a bottle of Gin hidden  inside her clothes. I promised I would never talked to her and she did the same.We kept our words.We never shared a word for two weeks. It was that friday and as usual I was on my way to IELTS class. The cell phone had low battery from the last nights playing music. The charger wouldn't fit perfectly so I had to switch it off for the day. Unaware what the day has in stored for me I was at work after class. Around 3 I got a call immediately after switching it on. The voice on the other side was infused with tears- my mom has been taken to the hospital. I rushed hospital and the first time I looked at my sisters worried eyes outside hall they told me alot. The next as I entered to go to ICU met my other sister doorway who had been crying. I knew in a flip second its too late. I told her to hold on and entered ICU. There for the first time I saw my mom lying motionlessly on the bed breathing (I came to know it was artificial respiration later coz she has already stopped breathing). I would have been fooled hadn't my sister said all our hopes are gone. My mom kept her promise-she would never talk to me again.  
Even till now everything is just like a dream- a weird dream which never happened in real. My mom made out so easily from our lives we hardly believe she is gone and at times when the reality strikes the tears running down our eyes never stops.