1:23:00 AM


created by Ram |

As I lay motionlessly in my bed trying to rest my aching back, the only thing my mind is busy with is its futile persuit in tracting the rotation of pain at different points. Like I stated in my previous post, my resentful iterative schedule has made my life monotonous.Though I dont loathe it completely, I have a feeling some of the inevitable parts have been completely left over. Its not that I am not aware of the consequences. I dont seem to find a way to carry them out concurrently. 7 hour ( from 11am to 6pm ) and six days a week job is an inseparable daily event which flags me at the end of the day. Upto 8am occupies my irreplaciable activites ie morning walk and a paper. A few minutes revision and a breakeast leaves me with the scant amount of transit time hardly enough for listening to a song or two. The excitement during forging through the city traffic to reach home vanishes after I put down my dinner plate and coil inside the blanket. The enthusiasm to read begins to wane as I am engrossed into the heat. Though I always have some energy in reserved in case I want to be online in my cellphone or update my facebook status. I must not forget the electricity which I have not known, seen or used for two days. Its no suprise I have to manage everything in dark and believe me I dont feel it arduous at all that way. I have been doing this for quite a long time and I know I am good at changing my clothes, unlacing my shoes and removing my shocks all in dark. Not only that, I never misplace them. The only thing I couldn't put in place is my mind. Not that my goals in life are not lucid but tedious climax of each day steals of away from responsibilities. I must change it but I dont know seem to find a way and it starts to feel like I am on a journey to an inaccessible place.

12:09:00 AM


created by Ram |

Lying on my bed listening to the country music 'As she is walking away' by Zac Brown ft Alan Jackson, I discovered its the only thing I have been doing  for past few evenings. Wait a min mayb its all I have been doing for a month or even more. This realisation struck me when I ruminated about all those cliches inadvertently (as I dont know where these garbage got into my head) that are being remarked about life - like -every day of life should be spend as if its the last day or its a precious gift we get only once. These common remarks do no more than exacerbating complexities that we encounter on our daily basis. Working from eleven to six I spend sixty percent of my day at work,the thirty percent on sleeep and the remaining ten percent I waste contemplating what I would do;like the one I am doing right now- with Eminem rapping from my cellphone. I am proving every single day how ideal all those remarks are. The hindrances to their practicability are our daily affairs that we engage into for existence. The freedom(to think say and do) that our childhood abounds  drives us into a misconception about life. Not to forget the intervention to our every actions by the time we reach teen (by social, or psychological factors), we are constantly dragged into a line where we are reluctant to be in in every sequencial years to come. By the time we are starting our career, we are on a new road completely losing the path once we followed. Most of us would be doing the thing that we loathe, with a stupid assumption that its going to make our life better. Once obsessed with singing, dancing or other hobbies, we alientate us from self being completely busy. Some even term being busy as  synonymous of being happy and healthy. As for me, the way I utilize more of my time being involved into the development of national energy,the most unproductive I become when I have free time- this time Nikie Minaj hiphoping "Right thru me" from the playlist. As soon as I get back home, the only soothing thing I ever want to do after dinner is lie on my bed with my playlist on and letting my mind wonder. Of course I can't forget to blame the freezing temperature and daily blackout for acting as a catalyst for me to enervate. Getting inside the blanket and lying there even though I am not sleepy is the most incredible thing to do. All you have to is act you are sleeping when someone enters into the room without decency to knock before hopping in (chuckling). The facebook and chat rooms dont do much than making us loner. Then there comes the responsibility towards everyone that we are obliged to carry. You do stuff coz you dont have choice rather than you want it. And after we are inured to it who dont remember what we love anymore. Everything starts to centrifuge and things are messed up so much we can hardly differenciate between two. But hey finally I figured out what I wanted to do. I am sleepy and need to rest now. But let the playlist on...

8:11:00 AM


created by Ram |

My elder sister was listening to what the doctor has to say outside ICU. I couldn't;hence moved away to the glass panel gazing to the dark and scary night. Tears running down my eyes ;my reflection crying with me. In spite of the fact , I couldn't help searching for a ray of hope that could keep my mom breathing no matter how scant that might be. The way he was explaining, we (me and my sister ) both knew there was no other way than letting her (my mom) go. My sister was calm giving her ears to every minor details being passed from the other side. I wondered how could she maintained her sanity. Doesnt she realise the one, because of who we existed, has stopped living? May be she thought crying infront of me would augment our misery to an extent from where we cant get back. Also there is no one else to comfort us had we both mourn together to that level. My sister uttered every sensible words to ease my pain but nothing seemed to stop my tears.
Fifteen minutes ago, my sister was telling how she met the doctor on her way to bathroom who explained it was time to give up the hope. The sooner you confront to the reality the better it was. After that coversation being shared, it felt as if our speech has been robbed, our ground has been displaced where we have been sitting. 'What are we going to do?' was the only question that was being transferred through our vacant eyes. Those fifteen minutes were a complete torture when all you do is wait till someone declare the one who has given you birth has left you live on your own and the fact that you already know about it makes it even worse.
I dont know how I guided my crying sister, sobbing self, through a corridor into a hall where everybody was busy making their bed to spend the night. Offering my sister a seat outside the hall, I didnt try to appease her as I couldn't pacify myself yet. That's the point in my life when I really wished I had someone who would share not only my happiness but pain, who would teach not only to hold on myself but to convince my sister that in spite of everything, it will be OK eventually. Sitting next to each other, we cried on our own till we convinced ourselves it wasn't worthed. We never made an effort to console each other because we couldn't say the words which we didnt believe ourselves.      A year ago, the moment still vivid, was when we two (me and my sister) sharing our part of grief outside ICU on a chair with tears uninterruptedly flowing from our eyes leaving landmarks on our cheeks. That was the first time my mom was diagnosed with diabetics. She was struggling inside in her bed alone while we two outside leaning to each other hoping it will pass soon. We cried more than we talked. And we did console  as we both knew each others story. Everything was the same that time and now;the only difference was my mom couldn't pull it off this time. My sister made two calls to let my brother and other elder sister know that there is nomore though her cry says it all. After we were called in to check out with my mom's defunct body I could barely look at it.  Being dragged onto the lobby out of the emergency room, she was covered by white sheet from head to toe and I stole my eyes to look away coz its too heart breaking to see her being dragged that way.
Few months ago, i dont exactly remember when, I had to carry my mom to her room coz she was intoxicated. I will never forget that incident for the rest of my life. When I reached upstair(in our kitchen) for dinner, the very time when my mom stood up holding her plate in her hand towards the sink. Not only  she paced twice she hit the column and collapsed on the floor. Yeah she has been drinking. helping her to her room I cried till my my head spinned that day.
Two weeks ago I had a huge argument with my mom about her drinking habit after I found a bottle of Gin hidden  inside her clothes. I promised I would never talked to her and she did the same.We kept our words.We never shared a word for two weeks. It was that friday and as usual I was on my way to IELTS class. The cell phone had low battery from the last nights playing music. The charger wouldn't fit perfectly so I had to switch it off for the day. Unaware what the day has in stored for me I was at work after class. Around 3 I got a call immediately after switching it on. The voice on the other side was infused with tears- my mom has been taken to the hospital. I rushed hospital and the first time I looked at my sisters worried eyes outside hall they told me alot. The next as I entered to go to ICU met my other sister doorway who had been crying. I knew in a flip second its too late. I told her to hold on and entered ICU. There for the first time I saw my mom lying motionlessly on the bed breathing (I came to know it was artificial respiration later coz she has already stopped breathing). I would have been fooled hadn't my sister said all our hopes are gone. My mom kept her promise-she would never talk to me again.  
Even till now everything is just like a dream- a weird dream which never happened in real. My mom made out so easily from our lives we hardly believe she is gone and at times when the reality strikes the tears running down our eyes never stops.

11:23:00 AM

GUESS I'm back!

created by Ram |

Yeah it took really long time. I have been busy with my stuff -the job,preparation for GRE and all the personal problems which I hate to even think about. Man lots of things have been changed. How long has it been? 3 months? 4? Or half a year? When i look back i wonder what held me back for all these times from writing. May be the feelings dont come to me anymore. Mayb they over flowed and i dont seem to find a way to collect them and spill it here. Whatever be it, I surely didnt have enough time to ruminate and scribble whats in my mind. But how could I give up what i love most. At the end of everything this is what is left for myself. I have found somethig after loosing a lot of things (a exorbitant price paid) now i will be talking about all of it in days to come.